LADIES AND GENTLEMEN - JAY LONDON!!!

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.


A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.


After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.


At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?


Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.


Do you know it was a year a ago today?


Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?


I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.


I model irregular clothing.


I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.


I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.


I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.


I saw a stationery store move.


I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.


I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.


I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.


I was born nine months premature.


I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.


I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.


I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.


I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.


I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.


I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?


I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.


I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.


I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.


It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.


My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.


My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.


My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.


My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.


My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.


People read me but they don't subscribe.


They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.


You know what burns me? Matches.