LADIES AND GENTLEMEN - JAY LONDON!!!

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.


A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.


After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.


At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?


Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.


Do you know it was a year a ago today?


Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?


I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.


I model irregular clothing.


I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.


I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.


I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.


I saw a stationery store move.


I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.


I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.


I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.


I was born nine months premature.


I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.


I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.


I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.


I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.


I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.


I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?


I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.


I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.


I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.


It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.


My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.


My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.


My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.


My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.


My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.


People read me but they don't subscribe.


They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.


You know what burns me? Matches.

SAYONARA JUSTINA

To be frank, i dint know that Henin had retired until one morning when my brother pointed out to me. It was a week old news. The retirement was on the cards no doubt, her walk-no doubt successful-were like of a bollywood hero wounded, yet with enough strength to kill the opponent and squeeze one last song with his heroine. Yet, like every other tennis lover i too had predicted the end to come after the French open not weeks before it. She was expected to defend her title and most likely to keep it to herself for another year. But careers mostly limp and lurch to a finish, and sloppy happy endings remain in Karan Johar's minds.
Fair enough, the Belgian was not always the most graceful of champions. Still, her retirement, while punishing the crowd, was unfortunate and not much more. Estranged from her father, losing her mother early, forced to push her reedy figure to its maximum physical capacity to win, undone in her peak by a debilitating virus, Henin knows despair but had stoically found her way through it all. She has been a fighter, specially during the last few months where she was so stressed out due her health, her relations with her husband, yet she fought like a roman soldier approaching the end of a month old war and returned to the top before the season ended.
The most immodestly gifted woman in tennis is modestly sized and looks like she might need to be tied down in a gale. The Belgian Henin resembles a reed but hits with such ferocity that her racquet must feel like a swishing cane to her opponents. She made tennis look all work and no play, but when that hint of a smile appeared on the corner of her mouth, it deserved extra points.
She was never model-like like Sharapova or Ivankovic. A magnifying glass was required to discover muscles on the diminutive Belgian unlike Mauresmo or Safina. In a world of six-footers Sharapova, Davenport, Venus, and even Hingis at 5ft 7in is officially taller than her, they may look down on the 5ft 6in champion, but in terms of skills must be looking up to her.
Davenport's departure was pre meditated, Hingis's exit appalling but Henin's will leave a big void in women's tennis which will take more than Sharapova's shoes and Ivankovic's skimpy dresses to fill. Facts and not figures make the Belgian stood out. Let her rest now, she deserves it.

Q. Last movie you saw in a theater ?

A. Sarkar Raj

Q. What book are you reading ?

A. Shantaram

Q. Favorite board game ?

A. Monoply, checkers, Snakes and Ladders, Life

Q. Favorite magazine ?

A. Sportsstar, Topgear
Q. Favorite Smell ?

A. Mud after rain, Hugo Boss Energise, Chocolate

Q. Favorite Sound ?

A. Engine reving, Parrot's

Q. The worst feeling in the world ?

A. Waiting for results
Q. The first thing you think of/say when you wake up ?

A. 5 more min plz....ok i sleep an extra hour tonight. I should really start sleeping early from now on.

Q. Favorite Fast Food place ?

A. KFC, Subway

Q. Future child's name ?

A. Fuck Thy Name
Q. 'If I had a lot of money, I would...' Complete this sentence -

A. Get the best of everything for everyone i love

Q. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal ?

A. No No No No....Kocher ma'am does just fine!

Q. Storm - Cool or Scary ?

A. Goosebumping cool!(is it a valid expression?)

Q. Favorite Drink ?

A. Double Vodka neat, Thandai

Q. Finish this sentence - 'If I had the time, I would..'

A. Sleep a little more, Catch up with old friends

Q. Do you eat the stems on Broccoli ?

A. NO!!!

Q. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice ?

A. Frost

Q. Favorite Sport to watch ?

A. Football- Tennis- F1

Q. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you ?

A. Never leaves my side.

Q. What's under your bed ?

A. My sportsstars and beer bottles!!!

Q. Would you like to be born as yourself again ?

A. Yes. But a little modified.

Q. Morning person or Night Owl ?

A. Night Owl

Q. Over Easy or Sunny side up ?

A. Over Easy

Q. Favorite place to relax ?

A. Home

Q. Favorite Pie/Mithai ?

A. Mud Pie/Chena murgi, Kalakand, Kaju katli

Q. Favorite Ice Cream flavor ?

A. Milk Chocolate Chip

Q. Of all the people you tagged this to, who is most likely to respond first ?

A. No one, i'll spare them of the pain.

DRIVE MY SLIVER FIRE

I cannot drive well with my parents sitting in the car. Period. There, i said it. And this is not a statement one is likely to make over an evening tea, i have given this a lot of thought, most of which was when my parents were shouting into my ear for overtaking a car, oh which by the way was going at 30kmph and had a huge L on its back.
I'm not saying that they are entirely wrong, after all Delhi's traffic is as predictable as its weather. But i could do a lot better if i dint have anyone standing on my head and shouting into my brains.
Its not just the shouting i hate, there are comments sometimes. Yes, comments!!! comments which have nothing to do with the topic of discussion or even anything remotely related to places passing by.
i like my drive to be all about me. I want the stereo to be playing system of a down, at a volume only i can listen to, i dont wont to honk and neither to be honked on. I want a cold beverage next to me and most importantly i dont wont either of my parents sitting next to me!!!